Just a few weeks ago I went to see a doctor; first time since moving to Cedar Rapids. I made the appointment mostly to establish myself as an official patient with a primary care physician, but I also needed to check up on my anxiety that came to my attention when I was pregnant with my first child more than 11 years ago. I haven't changed my medication since the birth of my third and planned to keep going as I was. A few questions later, I found that my anxiety was MUCH worse than I thought and suddenly I felt like a mass of existential whoa!
This realization was partially relieving. The feeling of constant doom and lack of breath was NOT normal and help was on the way. However, the other side of this is the thought that I'm not a fully working model. I'm like one of those old cell phones that need to be plugged in all the time to function. How would I be able to survive in a zombie apocalypse!?
At the same time, I am looking for a job. That means showing my best self on paper, on the internet and in person is essential. How does one do this when their self-home is really messy? I'm already trying to convince myself that I'm competent, and now I have to prove it to the greater Cedar Rapids area that I'm worth their time and money? Just in case my dream employer is reading this, YES, I am totally worth your time and money!
So yesterday, my inside self decided the first thing to do was to properly showcase my outside self for website and resume reasons. This exterior is aging and approaching 44 but I'm not painful to look at. I propped my SLR on bar chair, put a little makeup on and a plain shirt and set a timer. Not good. I was not emotionally at my best and it showed in my tired expression. I quickly trained my son to be my paparazzi, and was better but not great.
So today I piled on the makeup and wore something more "artsy". Noticed the lighting was better by the stairs and wasted a lot of time in front of a mirror looking like a pretentious ass with a Nikon. I liked the results much better. The frame of the mirror makes me look like a painting but I should have cleaned with windex first. I snapped over 100 because I didn't look through the lens and had to depend on luck. The dog never leaves me alone so I worked with it. Some I altered with iPhoto and others I left alone so you can see the process. I'd like to know what people think. Anyway, it was a fun way to waste some time, be self centered and forget my broken mind for a little bit.
The self is the most difficult place to make feel like a home. Ya can't throw some pillows on it and stage it with some succulents. You have to do the work with conscience decisions and lots of prayer.